i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
