still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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