masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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