i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you win again, gameday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
