and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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