Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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