we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
