Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm too high and old for this...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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