Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
