All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
