When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
