Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
