i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I have fence marks all over my body
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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