Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
