Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Watching her eat just hurts me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
