Soap is not a condiment
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
