They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so let's talk penis.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
