my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
