I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize