I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
