Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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