i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
