Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize