I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
