I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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