The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
