Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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