Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
