Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
