I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
