literally had 100 drinks last night.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
