i was born a porn star she said
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
