sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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