well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
