guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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