She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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