i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
