I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
