We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
