Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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