I wish I could teleport
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
