Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
