She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
