I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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