I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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