Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
