Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
