I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
