Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
