I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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