Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Everything about him screamed your future.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
