I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize