I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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