Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
