Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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