Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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