I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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